i do know who i’m playing with: Myself

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor

[Press 'Play' for some of that Mexican moderno salto ("hip hop" in Spanish, hermano]

Ramblings: Medium Stakes

“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.

You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980′s.

Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract

There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.

You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.

Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.

This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.

Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.

Bar None Artist’s recollection of “Runner Runner”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 baby Shot

Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980′s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me.  Not like this, anyway.

Gemma Arterton Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.

To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.

Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).

Here’s the blow-by-blow:

• Hot black jack dealers
• JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
• Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe

Gemma proves she loves going down

Drink: 2 shots

Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.

• Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything

Justin learns about porn…the hard way

• Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
• Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss's party]
• Beer at beach bar
• Beer on boat
• “Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.

As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.

Justin Timberlake has a case of the Runs

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien

Directed by: Brad Furman

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst

Bottom Line

Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.

Another Round

The things you learn from a toilet cam cannot be unlearned

Justin reminiscing about his old boss

A Real Back Street Boy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but sexy photographs and not one of them is of Ben or this Justin. You’ve been warned.

Gemma Arterton in the Bar None

Gemma Arterton in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme

[Press 'Play' to spice up this review]

Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?

FIRST!

Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.

This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick

Ramblings: Machete Scratches

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.

“Batman?”

i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.

Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).

Barbie Landspeeder

The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.

Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.

Yeah, i bet that’s it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Killer Tits

Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?

As for the blow by blow:

• 70′s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70′s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
• Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas

Because Cleavage

You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.

Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.

Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.

Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.

Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.

Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.

Portable Gun Show

Silken Butterflies

Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.

First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.

As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.

Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.

Elle Lamont in the Bar None

Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.

Or is it Elise & Electra?

Drink: 3 shots

Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.

Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.

Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.

Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.

“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).

Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.

• The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
• Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
• Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
• Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
• Variety of cocktails at the reception

Picking up chicks…on the bumper

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.

But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.

Very Hard Nipples

The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Danny Trejo auditions for Thor

Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez

Starring

Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)

Bottom Line

Not all that sharp but not all that dull, either.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

Booze Revooze of Django Unchained

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

That moment you realize you have the same haircut as Danny Trejo

Valentine’s Day in Mexico

Bored This Way

“I call this one my ‘vale-Dick-torian’.”

Chose ‘Acting’ as her ‘Talent’. Lost pageant.

Barbie Machete

Bra Size: 9mm

A Breakdown of Government

Alexa Vega

Alexa Vega in the Bar None

Amber Heard

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga in the Bar None

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez after the Bar None

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

A Booze Revooze Quick Shot

Smaug Alert

Not at all from the Juiced-box but the only song with words in it from the soundtrack: I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

Here are the derogatory shots to prove that yes, they let me see this bad boy 2 days before the civilized world.

Bilbo disappearing with the ring

Merlin–uhm, Gandolf

Some half-bear, half-man guy

Precious

They’re blurry and badly taken? No, they’re of a movie i saw in 3D and only here to prove i saw this bad boy.

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit to Break

Final Proof:  3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a daughter of a whore who’s a whore herself? She’s just as flashy as her mom and aims to please but she’s a little sprier, a little faster on the uptake and quicker on the down-low. She parties harder and keeps a better rhythm so she’s more satisfying than mom, even if she’s just a shallow party girl and you’ll never fall in love with her or spill your guts or bare your soul to her and you don’t care enough to wonder what her real name is but you’ll remember her stage name for up to a week which is more than you can say for her mother who was totally forgettable in every way. That’s what The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug is like after the not Unexpected Journey.

The Hobbit looks Paramount

• Nice because you can doze on and off through much of the film and still follow the story
• Didn’t they already have a giant spider in one of the Lord of the Rings?
• The second movie i’ve seen in 2 weeks that ends with a “To be continued” (Hunger Games 2 was the other)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Still looks Lost

Sex:

• Evangeline Lilly extra fully clothed
• The dwarf/elf love story is highly annoying
• Great special effects because they make Evangeline Lilly ugly– that isn’t easy to do

Drink:

How you feel choosing wine

• Mead and ales in a Middle Earthen pub
• Drunk guards passed out
• Post-feast a dwarf wakes up late and downs the bottom of a glass of ale

Rock & Roll: 

• Great action scenes
• Why does the dragon want all the riches? What’s he going to buy with it, cigarettes and dragon hookers?

Not ‘Cupid’, but rhymes with ‘Cupid’

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Fran Walsh, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens Screenplay

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Graham McTavish - Dwalin
Ian McKellen - Gandalf
James Nesbitt - Bofur
Ken Stott - Balin
Martin Freeman - Bilbo Baggins
Richard Armitage - Thorin Oakenshield
Stephen Hunter - Bombur
William Kircher - Bifur
Adam Brown - Ori
Aidan Turner - Kili
Benedict Cumberbatch - Smaug
Conan Stevens - Azog

The Hobbit pays better than The Office

Another Round

Booze Revooze: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round

_____________________________

From the juiced-box but not the soundtrack: Peter Gabriel – Biko

[Press 'Play' for a moment more inspiring than the movie ever achieves]

For those of you doubters who still don’t believe i see shit before the States, here are the screen shots i snapped with my phone.

Ramblings: Long Walk on the wrong track

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk studying for a history test? You’re sitting on a stool and the book is sitting on the sticky counter absorbing spilled foam and sloshed cocktails but that’s OK because the times you’re reading about are more important than the book itself and you start to get bored as the booze kicks in so you skip straight to the pictures and realize the book is only a well intentioned way to make money and not meant to inspire anyone and if you want some fucking inspiration you have to go directly to the source. That’s what watching Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom was like.

Here’s the main problem with the film: Mandela’s life is modern history. Hell, he was still alive after the film was completed. Can you imagine watching a movie someone made of your life and at the end telling the director you thought it was boring? Which would really suck because you’re life isn’t at all boring – and you’re you, imagine how weird it would be for someone as epically non-boring as Mandela.

You know what the best part of the movie was? The news footage, because they showed news clips from the time the events were really taking place and then at the end they showed photos of the real Mandela and the events touched on in the film. In other words, the best bits were the ones the director didn’t make. What i’m saying is, a documentary would’ve been much better than this film. Mandiba’s struggle against apartheid wasn’t so long ago, so they could’ve used original footage, old photos, interviewed real people… That would’ve been a movie that gave you chills whereas this version just left me cold.

See, i know you guys think i’m young and a hep cat like you say in your cool kid lingo, but i’m actually old enough to remember a lot of what happens in this movie. Hell, i was boycotting Coke because of their interests in South Africa and i was standing alone in my basement in front of the mirror putting on a concert where i sang Peter Gabriel’s “Biko” fighting back tears because i’m nothing if not an over sensitive son of a bitch with an out of proportioned sense of injustice. Ah, if only this movie were as intense as i am.

i’m also old enough to remember listening to this killer song called “Sun City” by Artists United Against Apartheid (in 1985) which you gotta see because it’ll save you the time and money you would’ve otherwise spent on the Long Walk to Freedom and plus, where else can you see Lou Reed, Miles Davis, Ringo Starr, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Run DMC, and fucking Joey Ramone all singing together in the same song?

Finally, let’s be honest and you know me, i’m nothing if not an honest man (though the fact that sometimes i’m nothing does not necessarily mean i’m dishonest…)– Idris Elba is a great fucking actor and probably a handsome man but he looks absolutely nothing like Nelson Mandela. Nelson was a clearer skinned African as well as being rather small and almost frail in stature while Idris is this huge fucking giant of a beautiful black man. i know i’m coloring way out of line here, but i found the lack of physical resemblance distracting.

Just remember, you’re allowed to hate the movie without hating the man or what he fought for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Obviously Winnie Mandela played a huge role in Nelson’s life but to be completely honest, i don’t really care about how they met, how they fell in love, what they looked like when they kissed, what they looked like when they screwed, what they looked like when he proposed to her, or what they looked like when they got married.This is more like looking through Mandela’s family album and i wished they would’ve spent more time on the man’s philosophies than his wooing.

There is also a standup quickie with a political groupie after he married his first wife but before he met Winnie. This is to show us that Mandela was a ladies’ man and is pretty typical of how this movie covers what we’ve already heard about Mandela.

Silken Butterflies

The extra beautiful and enormously talented Nomfusi Gotyana portrayed Miriam Makeba and sang some killer South African style music in a bar in the beginning.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only real drinking reference is when a drunk black friend of Mandela’s is arrested leaving a bar because he doesn’t have his papers and then he’s beaten to death by the police after he throws up on a cops shoes. Also, Winnie is shown sipping what might be either iced tea or whiskey. Oh yeah, and that mug on the table in that one scene was either half empty with beer or piss, judging by how yellow it was.

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Mandela spent 18 years in prison and i think the director of Long Walk to Freedom wanted us to appreciate what this tedium felt like by cutting most of the violence associated with the fight against white supremacy in South Africa. Oh sure there are some token scenes representing the overall pain involved with the struggle but more attention is paid to the love story with Winnie than the end of white rule Mandela brought about.

That rant over, there were some pretty cool songs thrown in the mix:

• Gil Scott-Heron – The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
• Public Enemy – Fight the Power
• Bob Marley – War

There was also one crappy song filling out the credits, the ultra ordinary “Ordinary Love” by U2, no offense.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:  Nelson Mandela – Autobiography William Nicholson – Screenplay

Directed by: Justin Chadwick

Starring

Naomie Harris - Winnie Madikizela
Nomfusi Gotyana - Miriam Makeba
Idris Elba - Nelson Mandela

Bottom Line

Wait for this to come out online, even Mandiba himself would forgive you

Another Round

Booze Revooze: Invictus

Booze Revooze: Zero Dark Thirty

Booze Revooze: Django Unchained

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now let’s get to the revue, which will feature exclusively the bodily charm of Naomie Harris.

Naomie Harris – AssAssin panties

Naomie Harris in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

So much WTF

‘Tis the season of my annual Bar None Christmas post, where we all gather around the monitor and roast our nuts on the fire of my love for you. i hope that you got everything you wanted because i did: your presence today is all the presents i need.

As of right now, 601 of y’all have found your way into the Bar None on this most auspicious of days and i’m here to thank you for thinking of me, especially today. For those of you who aren’t reading this, Santa has a special message for you, too.

Add to that number of patronizers one more because i’m here with you, thanking you for taking the time to pop in and i’mma try to make it worth your while.

Thank you for patronizing me and hoping you’ll patronize me even more next year.

Enough of the the words, lets get to the gifts.

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past

Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.

Bar None Drawers

Those more interested in candy canes first

Daddy Christmas

Stocking Stuffer

For those more interested in ho’ ho’ ho’s, start your engine

Santa Claws

To prove what little mind i have is pretty fucking open, i even have a selection of goodies for those of you who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah!

Merry Kwanza!

Joyous Shinto!

Rockin’ Pagan!

Even atheists have a little taste

From all of me at the Bar None: be good to each other people and have a kick ass 2014.

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past.

Aren’t we all?

Before we get into the shit, let me just rub something in by telling you that, yes, once again, we had a movie in Yeaman before ya’ll in Rest-of-the-World. Here’s the peroxide proof of that.

Ramblings: Pretty Normal Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on your annual camping trip? Instead of grilling the burgers yourself on the fire, you decide to try fast food for a change so you eat your burgers around the fire and sip your beer and commence the horror story telling but the tales taste as stale as the rehash you swallow with your flat beer because it never really gets cold enough in a cooler. The stories, like the beer, aren’t bad and the scare, like the fare, are predictable variations of the same urban legends with some fun twists on your nads and suspense to keep you awake but if you’re looking to be startled by something truly new, you’d be better served by another franchise. Still at the end of the day when you’re peeing on the fire, you go to bed and the beer burps bring up the burger aftertaste and you realize you’re satisfied because you got what you expected, if nothing more. That burp is what Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones smacks of.

You know me, and if you don’t just hold it against me, i’m all kinds of specialist on Paranormal Activity because we always get them first in Yeaman.

For those of you who need a cheat sheet, here’s a summary of all the Paranormals up until this point.

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones: (Post September 2006): The film is set after Ali (Molly Ephraim) loses her dad and step mother (Kristi) in PA2 and includes an alternate take of Katie killing Micah (PA1). An 18 year old Hispanic guy named Jesse realizes too late he’s been marked since birth for demon possession. The filming is done with a video camera he buys with his graduation money.

Interestingly or not, this movie technically isn’t Paranormal Activity 5. PA5 is supposed to come out in October, but Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is a spin-off for the Latino crowd, and why the fuck not. There may be some special guest appearances by Molly Ephraim who’s back from Paranormal Activity 2 for one scene, and the iniminimintable Katie Featherston who has some cameos as well, but basically this is an all new branch of the franchise.

i’m not going to give away anything about the story because i hate it when people do that, but i’ll tell you what you need to know which is Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (which is a long fucking title i’ll never type again) delivers what you ordered and feeds you the crap you expected.

You got the found footage feel (evn if they don’t thank the families and the police in this one like they did in some of the others), you have the talented unknown actors (like Andrew Jacobs does a good job as Jesse, the possessed teen, and very beautiful Latina actresses (Catherine Toribio and Gabrielle Walsh to name but a two) who are talented and just your type if you’re into “very beautiful”. You also have the building of fake startle moments into real startle moments and even a Simon Says game as a modern ouija board / devil’s condom (or whatever the word is that means ‘conduit’).

The new & improved parts come in the fact that the action takes place outside and in many different locations around the city and not just in a couple of rooms. Plus, there’s more action and less heating up slowly to a slow burn like in the earlier ones.

This movie is like the James Bond series, it has women in it. Also, if you like the others in the series, you’ll like this one too.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

Another first for PA:TMO is that they had full frontal female nudity of a hot brunette. Sure, we saw it through a video camera filming a TV screen receiving a signal from a GoPro camera, but it was better than nothing and certainly much better than the sight of an older and heavier naked woman painting the triangle/circle symbol on the hot woman’s stomach.

Apart from that, like i already said, they had Molly Ephraim as Ali again and remember how much i drooled after her in my review of Paranormal Activity 2? This film proves me right, though her screen time unfortunately was next to nothing. Like what she’s wearing here.

Molly Ephraim Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for the wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, at the bottom. All you gotta do is scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

The rest of the hotness took place with the Silken Butterflies, who are those wonderful actresses whose screen time was the opposite of how talented they are.

One of the hottest was the lovely Catherine Toribio, who played Penelope, a party girl who wants to get freaky with Jesse until the freaky shit starts. Fortunately, before that there’s a scene where she’s crawling around on her hands and knees in her bra, you get the picture, lucky you.

One of the other principle actresses was Gabrielle Walsh, who plays Marisol (Jesse’s best girl friend). She did such a good job with the acting thing that i almost forgot she looks this good.

The other minor roles weren’t all that much more minor either, especially when you realize they were nailed by actresses like Noemi Gonzalez, who was Jesse’s sister, Evette.

There was also the extremely lovely Wallis Barton who was so killer as “Captive Girl” you’d think she liked it.

There was a surplus of shots of her online, so i stuffed a couple of them in my drawers. Down there.

PA:TMO also saw the big screen debut (probably) of  Gigi Feshold as Penelope’s friend, Natalia. At least i’m pretty sure that’s who it was and it’s not like you’re reading this anyway. Speaking of “pretty”:

Finally, i’m saving my favorite for last. She played “Coven Witch” but she’s also a famous stunt woman and her names is Crystal Santos. How cool is that? A stunt woman/actress named Crystal who looks like this:

Told you she was hot, bitches.There’s more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Drink: 2½ Shots

Not a lot to go on here in terms of drinking being crucial to the story, but there was still some gratuitous drinking which means “free” so here’s my notes on the “free drinking” which is what everyone loves to hear their bartender say.

• 40′s and probably a keg @ a graduation party
• Shots of tequila with grandma
• Beer [while] playing Simon Says
• Cute Latinas drinking beer at party

Molly Ephraim in the Bar None

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

There was no rock and roll music that I was able to discern so all the points here go towards the action. There was 3 star’s worth because they had some surprise events like bodies falling out of the sky and car accidents out of nowhere.

At the beginning they had some fake “cat jumping out of the closet” type stuff but later on the real suspense was real enough. Another cool thing about suspense movies is that you can take a date to them and she (or he, depending) will get scared and cuddle up next to you but there’s no hardcore violence to freak them out so they don’t want to do other hardcore shit later back at the house.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Christopher Landon

Directed by: Christopher Landon

Starring

Gabrielle Walsh – Marisol
Catherine Toribio – Penelope
Molly Ephraim – Ali
Noemi Gonzalez – Evette
Wallis Barton – Captive Girl
Gigi Feshold – Natalia
Crystal Santos – Coven Witch
Andrew Jacobs – Jesse

Bottom Line

There’s a reason they use the word “franchise” with both fast food and movies. PA:TMO is like McDonalds, nothing special but you know what you’re going to get when you go there, which is not at all a bad thing if you like McDonalds.

Another Round

The Rod’s brilliant review of the first one

Saint Pauly’s hilarious look at Evil Dead reboot

Booze Revooze of Scream 4, speaking of franchises

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review ends here. Keep going only if you want to see how photogenic the actresses are in PA:TMO

Molly Ephraim

Wallis Barton

Crystal Santos

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their deaths help out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.

Candidate #1

Over the top

Our first contender is like a nearsighted foot fetishist because he got off on the wrong foot. He was refused entry to a club in Northampton because he was too drunk

This bloke in Northampton was out on a pub crawl and having a piss up when he was thrown out of a pub for being too drunk and that should be your first sign to call it a night. The problem with being that drunk, however, is you may drunk dial but you never call it a night. He didn’t want to go home so he tried to sneak in the beer garden out back (and want a wonderful country England must be if they can grow beer) where the bouncers denied him entrance for being still too drunk (sign 2).

In a “Hold my beer and watch this” moment, he decided to go all James Bond on their ass by scaling an iron gate, except he forgot how drunk he was because he fell on one of the posts and impaled his leg on one of the spikes. He hung around for half an hour while the fire department cut the fence is seven places to free him.

Actual picture of what actually went down – kinda

Why should you vote for him? Because the gate he tried to climb over was wide open.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: A guy who castrated himself in a Busch

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their deaths help out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.

Candidate #2

Beating around the Busch

Who among us has never been hard up with a hard on? i bet i’m not the only one who has hid his sausage in some moldy ass buns, who’s buried his bishop in the unholiest of holes, who’s laid some pipe deep in some dirt. But bad as i ‘ve been, i’ ve never tried to fill a bottle with my special sauce. Not like the second Bar-Win nominee in Ohio who was so desperate he decided Busch was close enough to Bush for him so he tried to have intercourse with a beer bottle. Why should you vote for him? He got a little more than he bargained for because instead of a piece of ass he got a piece of glass and cut his cock completely off while fucking the broken bottle.

Hey, you look sharp. What are you doing after the break up?

Why should you vote for him? Because he truly can no longer pass his dirty genes on to further generations.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: Our first girl…and she’s hot!

Click here for a list of the Can-idates

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.

Candidate #3

Highway to Hello Kitty

This attractive 29-year-old has two strikes against her because she’s blonde and lives in Arkansas, though there are bigger things we can hold against her. One of these, however, would not be her partying skills because when she gets her drink on, everything else comes off and by that I mean she may not give you the shirt off her back but pro’lly will her pants.

Speaking of a piece of class, this lovely thing was drunk driving a Pontiac Grand Am when she lost control and crashed into a motor home because that’s what they all live in in Arkansas. Then she spilled out of her car to flee the scene wearing a white sweatshirt and nothing else, and 50 cents naked (half “buck naked”, yo) stole the motor-home guy’s ride: a Power Wheels Truck. She climbed out of her wrecked car, hopped on the Power Wheels toy and started to make her getaway. Motor-home guy took his children to his mom’s house and when he came back, the babe was still in the middle of making her getaway. Finally the police came and when she blew, she blew big: three times the legal limit.

First the margarita drive-thru, then YOLO, BITCHES!

Why should you vote for her? Because she’s the only can-idate sexy enough to reproduce.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The mas so stupid he kidnapped himself!

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Find Waldon’t

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.

Candidate #4

Dicknapped

Don’t you hate it when you’re sitting around the house, watching TV with the wife and masked kidnappers bust into your living room with guns and drag you out into their car? OK, maybe you don’t hate it so much because the ‘kidnappers’ are your friends and they’re only doing what you asked them to do so you could get in a night of partying without your insignificant other.

i’ll tell you who doesn’t think it’s a good idea and that’s your wife who called the police and they weren’t too impressed with your idea either as your wife spent the night worrying while the cops looked for you all over the city. Then don’t you hate it when you show up the next day with your scripted story about how the kidnappers just let you go but you know who didn’t let it go? That’s right, the police because they questioned you about the crime until you confessed to pulling a slow one over on everyone.

Why should you vote for him? Because you know you’ve thought about doing this yourself.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: Three words “naked, man & cactus”.

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.

Candidate #5

The Hard way or the High-way

One of the other top contenders earned his place on this list the hard way, starting with his penis. This guy was fucking drunk–literally–which is only a crime because he was driving his car at the time. Then he rammed his car into another one at an inter-sex-tion (oh shut up, you love it and you know it) and the police came quickly. To make matters worse, he’s a love ‘em and leave’ em kind of guy because he abandoned his naked girlfriend on the street at the scene (and i hope she at least got off before she got out). 

Why should you vote for him? Because when the cops caught up with him, he was wearing only one shoe, had his shorts on inside out…and was hiding behind a cactus.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The woman who called 911 to report drunk people…in a bar.

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.

Candidate #6

I See Drunk People…They’re Everywhere!

It wouldn’t be a Bar-Win Award contest of it didn’t have an entry from Florida. There was this one woman in a bar who called 911 six times to report… drunk people in the bar. i am not shitting. Short story short, the police showed up and did as she asked, they arrested someone who was too drunk: the dumbass woman herself.

Why should you vote for her? If you don’t know, you’re probably too drunk yourself.

Stay tuned tomorrow, when we launch the vote.

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

All last week i posted the best of the worst, those 6 people who make drinking look bad. Oh sure, we’ve all been stupid drunk before but not this fucking stupid. Not so stupid our genes need to be eliminated from the gene pool so we don’t pass the stupid on to future generations.

You know me, and if you don’t then pass the buck, i’m incapable of making anything, especially anything that even remotely smells like a decision, so ima pass the buck back to you and ask y’all to do the choosing for me.

i’m going to call it when we get to 20 votes or the BarWin Awards for 2014, whichever comes.

If you’re memory is shorter than my attention span, these are the 6 candidates for the 2013 BarWin Awards (the Darwin Awards for Drunks). Click on the link to read about them or just at the pictures an vote away.

Can-idate #1

Guy who impaled himself scaling an open gate

Can-idate #2

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Can-didate #3

Girl who tried to drunk drive her getaway on a Power Wheels truck

Can-didate #4

Guy who kidnapped himself

Can-didate #5

Guy who got in a *fucking* drunk driving accident

Can-didate #6

Drunk girl who called 911 to report drunk people in a bar

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Too young? Half your age plus 7 inches, baby!

Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.

Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:

And acts like this:

Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.

“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”

What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.

You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…

1. …this is ‘smiling’.

2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time

3. …you give a urine sample in public

4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.

5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.

6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.

7. …you get this kind of lucky.

As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.

Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

If i see those tats, i swear not to worry and to be happy

Jacqueline Bisset in the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

January 12, 2014 And the sinner is…

My favorite reality show is now awards ceremonies. OK, i’m not 100% convinced that awards ceremonies qualify because they’re more real than reality shows and the actors at the ceremonies are more talented (usually) and more famous (certainly) but in both awards and reality shows we get to watch people more blessed and less intelligent than us fuck up in public.

Last week’s Golden Globe Awards was no exception as not 1 but 2 established actresses (OK, 1&1/2) could’ve been arrested for drunk & disorderly as well as public drunkenness if famous people had to obey real people’s laws.

i’m guessing Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset were at neighboring tables and not the same one because there’s no way they both could’ve been as shitfaced as they were if they had to share alcohol. So they were sitting near each other and probably playing drinking games like every time some flailing actress showed cleavage they had to pound a shot or every time some phonies did those European cheek kiss things they had to have a swig for every fake smooch.

Whatever, here’s how that played out on stage during the speech making.

First Emma’s went like this:

Then Jacqueline’s beautiful disaster:

The morning after when it was all over but the crying (and the telling the maid to clean the carpet, BUT NOT WITH BLEACH SOMETHING ORGANIC GODDAMNIT) Jacqueline Bisset had this response to her speech:

I was hungry and surprised.

Which was true, she was hungry and surprised, right after she drunk the shit out of all the alcohol in her vicinity.

Jacqueline Bisset Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

While Emma Thompson had this to say:

Dear Non famous people,

It has come to my attention that my recent behavior at the Golden Globes ceremony has drawn not a little amount of public scrutiny and as such I would like to offer up this explanation for my actions.

I was fucking drunk, bitches.

Sincerely,

God Dame Emma Thompson

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Saint Pauly over at 1,2,3 WTF!? lets me skip to the good parts of the movies he reviews by posting exactly at what minute the nudity begins. You get that and all the other parts, good and bad, at his cool site.

Check out the reviews for

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Sharknado

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of The Purge

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Evil Dead

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Getaway

Give him a chance. Plus, because he’s my gay friend, we can feel all good about ourselves for being open minded.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is more or less pretty NSFW

Jacqueline Bisset

Emma Thompson

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Ben Affleck in the Bar None

Afflecker

You know me (and if you don’t there ought to be a law), i’m in it for the laughs. So far be it from me to “out” a drinker in recovery, but apparently not so far from me because i’m doing it right here.

Yesterday morning, i came across (in the non-sex way) an article on the Huffington Post talking about 19 celebrities who don’t drink and if you look at #28 (of 19, WTF!?) you see…Ben Affleck. It’s not the first time i’ve heard Ben’s name associated with sobriety and, as someone in recovery for alcoholism (over 3 years dry now, baby), i’m always on the lookout for famous people who are as fucked up as i am.

Yes, Ben is full of it, if “it” means “a giving  spirit” because after all, he’s the one who just last August went to tell Lindsay Lohan how to be sober.

Affleck — who himself was in rehab back in 2001 — met Lindsay somewhere away from the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu where Lindsay was getting treatment.  We’re told Ben gave her guidance on how to maintain sobriety after rehab for someone in Hollywood.

Apparently someone better go find Lindsay Lohan’s ass and tell her to do the exact opposite of everything Ben told her because everything he knows about sobriety you could fit in a thimble but don’t do that because he’d pro’lly drink that to.

Turns out Ben is full of it, if “it” means “booze”.

“You can’t hear me? Let me DRINK UP!” (Bar None Artist’s misdirection)

“I Swear I haven’t drunk since 2001.” (Bar None artist’s misinterpretation)

Sobriety for Ben is an Afflecktation, something he shows off when it’s convenient but not something he’s serious about. In 2010, there was already talk about how he sat down at some table with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance plopping down a fifth of Absolut and all Ben’s handlers had to shoo the press away like flies off of shit.

In the same loaded vein, last week’s Golden Globe Awards must’ve been one hell of a party because Ben got shitfaced along with Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset. Check out the evening’s photos, and tell me he doesn’t look seriously Affleckted.

“I love you, man.”

“I fuckin’ love you, man.”

“I love fucking you, ma’am.”

Just for laughs…

Bar None Dregs

On a happier note, Saint Pauly just posted another one of his WTF!? reviews and they’re funnier than I have a right to be.

WTF!? review of Insidious

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Bieber Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a WallpaperJustnie

i heard the news today, and, oh boy, i’m at a loss. As a Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (Temporal) and tender bartender here at the Bar None, i’d like to take this opportunity to make an official statement in support of Justin Bieber and against the hyena’s arrest.

The Bar None is protesting the arrest of Justin Bieber and, not just Miss Bieber but the incarceration of all little girls throughout the world. What kind of police state are we living in when a little girl can be stopped by the police and thrown in prison? What if she has her first period in jail? Will the wardens teach her how to use a tampon? i don’t think so. What if her boobs start growing behind bars, is there such a thing as a prison issue training bra ? i would bet there isn’t.

i’m sure that there’s a good explanation as to why Miss Bieber consumed alcohol. It’s our understanding that she was at a birthday party with her other girlfriends just before, so maybe a prankster poured vodka in her apple juice. As for driving the race car, in her addled condition, she no doubt mistook the Lamborghini for a Disney ride and was probably more frightened than anyone when the police helped her bring the car to a stop.

The point is this, a wee lass’s business is not police business. Childhood can not be regulated. Let little Justin’s parents worry about her education, for lest we forget, he is someone’s daughter.

Sometimes your battles lose you

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Pearl Jam – Release

[Press 'Play' for what the movie was shooting for but missed]

Ramblings: Out of the Furnace leaves me cold

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a public toilet? Not one of the nice ones in a fancy rest area but in one of those parks where the grass won’t grow because the ground is dead and the playground equipment is either broken or rusted away and anyway the only kids there are in their 20s and are busy dealing or dropping out. The toilet stalls don’t have doors and the floor is constantly damp where it’s not wet and the odor of pee is as permanent as the brown stains at the bottom of the sinks and toilet paper blocks the back of the bowl so you can’t see whatever is dead or dying at the bottom but it doesn’t stop the smell from permeating your clothes on its way to live in your nose. You have one of those bad buzzes that takes you straight from sober to sick without the detour to drunk and you find yourself ill before your time so you go to puke in the toilet and the shit already in the bowl makes your sicker so you puke more and the smell hits you and it’s a perfect shit storm until finally the only thing you end up heaving is sour spit and you reach for some paper to wipe your face but the roll is empty so you slip and hit your head on the porcelain before landing in the dregs of the person who went there before you. That’s how Out of the Furnace will make you feel.

Going home after trying to catch a train – and missing it

Look, i ‘m not going to spend a whole lot of time telling you about how this movie sucked especially when it didn’t. The actors were good, so good that even Willem Dafoe brought his A game and we get to watch Casey Affleck prove he’ll be an actor one day, hopefully in time to do a remake of Gone, Baby Gone where he can play the same role only as someone more talented.

And while we’re on the actors and i know a couple of y’all would like to be, shut up talking about Christian Bale because he’s not bad but he’s no Woody Harrelson who fuckin’ rocked this movie as hill folk Harlan DeGroat. His performance here was amazing yet not quite but almost enough to make me forgive his hair piece in Hunger Games.

Changing his mind about playing Choo Choo Train

And the director directed shit and there were the things you expect when you watch a movie, like not too many boring parts were here and the script was full of things like good words and people doing shit you would do and shit. Plus, the Zoe/Christian bridge scene was fucking brilliant and would win an Oscar for best scene if there was such a thing.

If everything was so cool, why did i fucking hate this movie? i’ll tell you, it’s because it was depressing as fuck. The film was like a date with me, it started off in a bad place and only kept going downhill to the point that everybody is looking at their watches before looking for the back door. Yes, it was a well made movie, but who wants to see perfect desperation happening to people you don’t give a shit about? Is a 2-hour movie about torture a good movie if it’s technically well made? You know what, i don’t care. When I spend 2 hours in the dark, i want to have more fun than i had here. This isn’t Europe after all.

Had too many fish sticks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Only one woman in this whole fucking thing if you don’t count Peggy (i think her name was Peggy) the cashier at the bar and Brenna Lee Roth as a meth addict,vulnerable and plain, the type i always end up falling for.

The woman in the movie, though, was Zoe Saldana and i don’t think i’ve ever seen her look so good as she did in here. The only thing wrong with her performance was that it was too fucking short.

Here’s what Zoe looks like when she’s out of the furnace and super cold.

Zoe Saldana Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

There’s gobs more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.

Silken Butterflies

As mentioned, the beautiful Brenna Lee Roth (who i already spotted in The Road) was in Out of the Furnace for a second, and it was one of the best seconds of the film because she looks and acts this good.

Brenna Lee Roth in the Bar None

Drink: 3 Shots

Those of you who hang out here regularly know that i rarely give this many shots for booze in a movie and so this was kind of special. Not just because there was a lot of it to be seen, but because it played an important role in the film. Here’s what the blue by blow off that turned out to look like.

• Woody Harrelson pounding vodka from the bottle and kicking the shit out of people in a drive-in
• Willem gives Christian a whiskey from a bottle he initially refuses and they drink a silent toast
• Pivotal moment is a drunk driving accident
• Casey drinking shots of something and Christian drinking beer the night he gets out of jail
• Christian Bale drinking beer on the front porch
• Casey drinks a beer after jogging
• Woody with vodka shots while he sizes up Casey
• Woody drinking moonshine from a mason jar

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

The film open and closes with the same song: Pearl Jam’s “Release”, which i like but is the only real music in this film that isn’t background incidental music. As far as the action, well, there was that kind of back alley boxing where people don’t wear gloves and fight until someone goes into a coma. There’s some gun play and a kind of exciting-esque scene towards the end but nothing really we’d call rock & roll.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brad Ingelsby and Scott Cooper

Directed by: Scott Cooper

Starring

Zoe Saldana – Lena Taylor
Brenna Roth – Meth Girl
Christian Bale – Russell Baze
Woody Harrelson – Harlan DeGroat
Casey Affleck – Rodney Baze Jr.
Sam Shepard – Gerald ‘Red’ Baze
Willem Dafoe – John Petty
Forest Whitaker – Chief Wesley Barnes

Bottom Line

Don’t watch this if you like to like movies.

Another Round

Saint Pauly’s most controversial review and i can’t believe he writes anything controversial compared to my shit but read the comments if you don’t believe me.

WTF review of Winter’s Bone

Fernby Film’s review of another Christian Bale movie

Booze Revooze of Mud

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

Enough about me, what about Zoe? Note, the photos are pretty pretty and pretty NSFW. You’ve been warned.

Zoe Saldana in the Bar None

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Normally, i’d be all about posting screen shots of the film to prove i was there, but i got in an argument with the unemployed guy who sat beside me (in Yeaman, the unemployed get a discount for movies) over my eating candy and popcorn. As i didn’t want to risk getting my ass tossed taking screenshots with my phone, you’re going to have to settle for a picture of the ticket stub.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Clash- I Fought the Law

[Press 'Play' for a song that doesn't make much sense for this film]

“Hey you, motherfucker eating popcorn in the front row!”

Ramblings: RoboCop Out

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots You know how you get drunk with a sex doll? Sure, she’s lots of fun and looks good on the surface and she’ll make you feel good but she doesn’t really have a heart and you know you won’t remember her after you leave her behind because she didn’t mean anything special to you. You drink your drinks but the fuck puppet isn’t having any so you feel a little cut off from the whole thing as you struggle to get into it and keep it up because your spirit is willing but your willy is weak so you just lie there, pushing rope, not having an unpleasant time because it’s sex and drink after all but still you can’t help wondering how long it will be until true love comes again. RoboCop is that sex doll.

“It’ll feel like someone else’s hand, you luck bastard.”

When i heard a while back that they were going to remake RoboCop, i was pretty psyched. The movie seemed like a perfect candidate for a retooling. It has a good story, potential for action, places for special effects… i was looking forward to opening this puppy up and giving him a test drive. Unfortunately, this RoboCop has a few kinks (and not the good kind), some bugs and acts a little rusty. The problem with a remake is that it’s like sleeping with twins, you’re going to end up comparing them. This RoboCop doesn’t measure up because it’s the shallow twin: the one with no soul. Not the RoboCop dude himself, but the movie. Beta RoboCop (1987) was directed by Verhoeven and his strong points are making movies like Good and Plenty candy. They got the chewy licorice center of political satire hidden deep inside candy coated kitsch. He knows how to package this junk and whenever he hesitates between two choices, he chooses the one that goes farthest over the top.

Speedbump of the future

This RoboCop is a straightforward action film with none of the fun, which is cool, not everyone can be likable (look at me) but then it should kick ass in other parts. Like The Dark Knight wasn’t a fun movie, but made up for this with credible script, non stop action, a cool look, deeply personal themes and a villain that redefined villains. RoboCop tries for all of this but cannot make the leap so falls short in almost every aspect. The script is thin, the action is cliché, and the look was polished but not stylish, like a generic cell phone case that’s overpriced and doesn’t fit the IPod you have anyway. Plus, our villains are a money grabbing Mr Mom at the head of a big bad Corporation and Samuel L Jackson, who is a conservative talk show host on a Fox-type network that only shows infomercials for high-end weaponry.

“You were in Batman, too? No shit?”

The one thing i liked in version 2 was that more attention was paid to RoboCop’s internal wiring. In the original, RoboCop had moments of consciousness stuck inside the suit and sitting under a plastic sheet on the lab floor, but there are no tests run on him and we get no real feeling about his mental workings. This RoboCop performs much better in these aspects, and while it’s almost too much at times, it certainly is better than not enough. Finally, you know me and if you don’t i’m the exception that breaks the rule, i’ll say what other critics are afraid to say and here’s the ugly truth about Joel Kinnaman playing RoboCop. Inside the suit, he looks like a giant penis in a condom. He walks around like an upright cock with his circumcised head exposed and is the spitting image of a Durex advertisement. It’s so ri-dick-ulous it’s distracting.

“Looking at you reminds me of your circumcision.”

Basically, RoboCop works but looks clunky, runs but never hits its stride. At least the director kept the drug factory from the first one. (Here’s a GIF from Saint Pauly’s review).

Have some Coke and a smile

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

 Like a teenager with a Playboy bunny, José Padilha had his hands full of beauty here but didn’t know what to do with it. i’m sure he’s some famous foreign director because he’s so good at choosing women for his movies, but he’s not modern enough to give them some meat to their roles or cleavage to their necklines.

The exquisite Maura Grierson

As Murphy’s wife, Mrs Murphy, there’s the gorgeous Abbie Cornish, who i’ve exposéed before. In RoboCop  there’s a scene where she’s in her bra, making out with her husband on top of the sheets but you’ll see more action watching alcoholics in corner booths. Abbie Cornish who is not a hen but is a chick and here’s the proof of that.

Abbie Cornish Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s some single shots of Abbie in my drawers down below. Just scroll down til you hit the dirt. Before that, though, there is the amazing Aimee Garcia who we all fell in love with when she played Harrison’s nanny in Dexter. Maybe you fell in love with her first in Jag, and if you did, RoboCop may just well be the movie for you. Aimee played a lab tech in this movie so her white coat hides all of this.

Aimee Garcia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And there’s shots of her down in my drawers as well. Silken Butterflies Let me just say here that the director (José Padilha) is  Like the first woman we see right at the beginning of the movie is a super hot journalist doing a live broadcast in Iran. This lovely young lady is as talented as she is hot and very cool on top of it all. This i know because her name is Maura Grierson and she was cool enough to do a Booze Talkin’ interview for the Bar None that i’ll be posting faster than a horny rabbit on a conjugal visit.

Wrapping this up is the stellar Melanie Scrofano, who plays the guitarist with the mechanical hand’s wife. Or maybe something shorter but does it really matter when at the end of the day she looks like this, and i bet at other times of the day as well.

Melanie Scrofano Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Not a lot of drinking to be found here, and what they had was pretty incidnetal, so if they’re going to do the bare minimum, so will i. Still, here’s the blow by blow:

• Vallon drinks whisky with dirty cops
• Murphy’s wide gives him a beer at home when he’s sad
• Beer at picnic in his robot dream

Rush Limblack

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

Not bad, though if you want my opinion (and if you don’t you should probably stop fucking reading this), the rock and roll in this movie was like my sex life, there was aa lot going on but not much exciting and nothing you’d necessarily want to watch.

• The best action scene was the first one, a fire fight between terrorists and cool robots in Iran
• Shoot out at a restaurant between Murphy and his partner and machine gun wielding baddies
• Yodel rock during test [phase] montage
• RoboCop at Vallon’s [lair] shootout, nothing new
• Shootout against Omni Corp [robots] good FX but standard fight
• Punk version [by The Clash] of “I Fought the Law” to roll credits by

Boring Technical Crap

The Agents of Panty S.H.I.E.L.D.

Written by:

Joshua Zetumer – screenplay
Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner – 1987 screenplay

Directed by: José Padilha

Starring

Maura Grierson – Kelly
Abbie Cornish – Clara Murphy
Aimee Garcia – Jae Kim
Melanie Scrofano – Wife of Man with Prosthetics
Joel Kinnaman – Alex Murphy / RoboCop
Gary Oldman – Dr. Dennett Norton
Michael Keaton – Raymond Sellars
Samuel L. Jackson – Pat Novak

Bottom Line

Someone should make a movie with the heart of the first one in the special effects of the second one. Rather ‘should have made’ because i don’t think we have another RoboCop remake in us. He’s not Superman, after all.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of RoboCop (1987)

The Rod’s review of a Veerhoven (or whatever) movie

Booze Revooze of another man in a suit movie

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

Shutting down the hilarity to make room for the titillation. All that comes from here on out is pretty much NSFW.

Abbie Cornish

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Aimee Garcia

Aimee Garcia 09 in the Bar None

Melanie Scrofano

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Once again Yeaman received a film before the rest of the world and sometimes it’s a blessing but sometimes it’s like what you say when you wake up before 7 with a hangover and stub your toe on the toilet and pee your pants: a curse. i know y’all don’t believe me but that’s cool, i don’t believe me either, so here’s the repository proof.

Ramblings: More Hot Air

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk on the Titanic? There’s tons of activities to do but nothing all that new because shuffleboard on a boat is like shuffleboard not on a boat and the novelty wears off faster than you can finish your bottle of beer so it encourages you to drink faster but even the beer goggles don’t hide the sight you see that your trip is a series of romances and fights that are absolutely no different than the romances and fights you have when you’re not on a sinking boat. Of course the ending of a binge on the Titanic is traumatic but after the boredom leading up to the disaster you’re glad for the excitement the shipwreck will bring. That’s what Pompeii is like.

Fire Works

All you need to know about this flick is the pitch the producers threw up on the studio: Pompeii is Gladiator meets Titanic for kids too young to remember either. They should have named this Gladick.

The first thing i thought when i sat down in my seat in the front row was if my homeless nemesis was going to sit down next to me. He didn’t. So the next thing i thought was, are they going to do the eruption at the beginning or the end of the movie and, if it’s at the end, what are they gonna do for the first hour?

“How you doin’?”

Y’all are too young to remember but in the 1970s disaster movies were a big thing. The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, Earthquake… were awesome because they started out with 10 brief minutes of exposition to introduce the characters and then the action would kick in high gear, starting with a nice display of disaster and then the heroes suffering through it and the aftermath. That’s a fucking movie right there and Pompeii would’ve been a hell of a lot better if that was the route it had taken.

“There goes the neighborhood.”

But no. They decided to save the eruption for the end and guess what, it wasn’t much of a surprise ending because we know what the fuck was coming from the beginning by looking at the poster. What they decided to fill it with was a poor slave gladiator who fights his way through the ranks and impresses a rich benefactor who takes him to Pompeii, where the poor slave falls in love with a rich young woman. Imagine Gladiator takes a trip on the Titanic and you’ve written this movie.

Still, it’s easy enough for me to be hard on this movie as i’m nowhere near it’s target market. Pompeii is looking to spew on teens and not on those of us who enjoy movies.

Hot Piece of Ash

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 shots

“Here comes the lava, but you first.”

You know what kind of sex we had? One kiss. Swear to god, there was only one kiss and, like everything else even remotely interesting about this film, it’s on the fucking poster.

• Mother [Rebecca Eady as Milo's Mother] killed at the beginning [and is hot]
• Browning’s assistant [Jessica Lucas as Ariadne] [is hot]

Drink: 0 shots

“Soon we’ll be doing chalice stands and goose lip self portraits!”

It’s the Vinalia, Milady. The streets are blocked with drunkards.

• Wine in goblets at festival
• Kiefer Stherland Senator wants to drink wine to seal the deal [with Cassia / Emily Browning's father]

Terrible waste of good wine.

Cool black gladiator cleans Milo’s wounds with wine

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

The music was almost as unremarkable as the the action. The action they did have was a lot of gladiator fights and i was too lazy to note every one of them in my notes, so what follows is a brief summary. Still, might as well say it here, the CGI was super well done and was probably the best part of the film.

Swinging in the Rain

• Short battle against rebels
• A short gladiator battle
• Slave fights are the hobo fights of 65 AD
• Long battle in arena
• Volcano eruption lasts last 20 minutes

Boring Technical Crap

When the shit hits the fan

Written by:

Janet Scott Batchler
Lee Batchler
Julian Fellowes
Michael Robert Johnson

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring

Emily Browning – Cassia
Carrie-Anne Moss – Aurelia
Jessica Lucas – Ariadne
Rebecca Eady – Milo’s Mother
Kit Harington – Milo
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje – Atticus
Kiefer Sutherland – Corvus

Bottom Line

Playing “hot lava” in the living room is more fun.

“Let’s exchange dresses later on.”

How “Dark Ages” got the name

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