You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…

It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.

This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does. 

“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”

“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”

Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?

Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has--you know the one--the one that says, "shut up".] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?

Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.

Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.

Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.

Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?

Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.

Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?

Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.

Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…

Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten.

Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?

Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.

[Press 'Play' for "Happy", by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]

Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?

Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.

Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?

Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.

Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?

Maura: Oh yes! Check out this  for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?

Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.

Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?

Maura:  In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.

Maura Grierson with Lady Gaga

Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?

Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.

Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?

Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!

Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.

Maura Grierson in RoboCop

Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.

Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…

Maura Grierson still in RoboCop

Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.

Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?

Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.

Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Maura: MauraGrierson.com

A lucky fan @the Toronto Beer Festival

Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Maura: Red wine.

Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!

Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?

Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.

Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.

Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts. 

That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.

i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.

Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Ramblings: A Penthouse Sweet

Before ya’ll get your collective panties (and you oughta stop with that, it’s all kinds of not sanitary) about how i’m bullshitting my way through this review because The Grand Budapest doesn’t come out for another 3 days…check this out.

See that date? 26/02/2014, babe. So i was in the Hotel, soiling the sheets and raiding the mini bar way before you got here.

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a girl you like? She’s kind of your friend but you’ve always wanted to take it to the next level because she’s cute and funny and sexy and even a little dirty and finally she tells you to meet her in a room at the Motel 6 with a bottle of bargain tequila and a box of condoms. So you spend the day in sticky anticipation of all the liquid fun in store for the evening but like all pleasures that get put off, there comes a moment when it’s more fun to wait than consecrate, to anticipate than consummate. The hotel room you meet in is a poor excuse of a bedroom and what you imagined her lips would feel like, what you thought her skin would smell like, what you hoped her body would taste like was far softer, sweet  your imagination of her body was more delicious than her body itself. Not that she’s ugly by any stretch, it’s just she sports the ass of someone you like and not love so you don’t really get into it. The Grand Budapest was like that ass, no matter how drunk you get, you appreciate how good it looks but you just can’t get deeply into it.

Is that flour on your face or were just making batter?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe i was too tired but The Grand Budapest didn’t open for me. i feel bad about this on so many levels that i’m tempted to lie here and say i loved it because i’ve heard the rumors that this is Wes Anderson’s break out movie and if any director deserves a break out, it’s Wes.

All the ingredients were there for a successful cocktail even. The script was well written, the story was engaging, the actors were amazing (Fiennes and the little boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) were perfect) and the look, the style the feel of the film was the best part. It looked like a delicious pastry from your favorite bakery.

Why i didn’t like it is more elusive because i’m not sure, so let’s talk this through and see if we can’t figure it out. i think one of the problems is that, like the cake, it was too sweet but not nourishing enough. Like Wes had followed the recipe to the letter and get the cake that looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook, but my tastes run more towards the improvised, the surprise.

“This is what happens when you don’t put the seat down.”

Here’s some excuses as for why i didn’t get into Hotel:

1. i was tired and fell asleep in the movie
2. After Moonrise Kingdom, which i loved the shit out of, i had very high, too high, expectations for this one
3. i suck

You know how you sit in the can for a long time trying to make a deposit and you feel the need and you keep trying and pushing but nothing comes from it? That’s how i felt in the movie theater, trying to force myself to love The Grand Budapest and just not succeeding. Maybe i’ll try to watch it again and stay awake through the whole thing this time.

“No, you can’t change jobs. His is flushing, yours is wiping.”

You know what i’d really like? If you’re feeling especially generous maybe you could see the film and tell me how wrong i am in the comments. Shame me into liking this film, goddammit.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

WATCH OUT! SOME OF WHAT FOLLOWS IS NSFW!

Sex: 0 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Wes isn’t really known for his steamy sex scenes. Which is cool because going to a Wes Anderson film for the sex scenes is like going to church for rationality. Fortunately you got me here to give you a hand…so to speak.

The sexiest shot in the whole film

Like there was Saoirse Ronan as Agatha. i was so glad to see her here and doing a good job acting because i thought Stephenie Meyer broke her when Saoirse starred in The Host. Apparently, however, Saoirse is more resilient than Kristen Stewart doing Twilight because Ms Ronan holds her own here–but not anyone else’s. Which is why i’m posting this.

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

The same lack of sexiness carried over to hot French babe Léa Seydoux, which is pronounced like “Say Do” but she says “don’t” throughout this whole movie because she’s not in it very long and even if she plays a French Maid, it’s not even half as sexy as it sounds. Here’s a wallpaper of her trying not to be sexy too, by hiding her boobs from us but she’s only partially successful.

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

If you made it past that, here’s the blow by blow:

• Glimpse of an elderly naked woman in bed
• Maid Clotilde [is hot] [i wrote this before i recognized it as Léa Seydoux]

Drink: 2 Shots

i was pretty surprised actually. i never woulda thought it’d have gone up this high but there you have it. There were pretty regular references to drinking, even if drinking wasn’t key to the script.

• Champagne bottle at dinner

“To my health, ’cause yours is fucked.”

• The film is set in Zubrowka [which is the name of a polish vodka]

Bring Pouilly-Fuissé 1926 so we don’t have to drink the cat piss in the dining car.

Ralph Fiennes / M. Gustave packing before a train trip

“I take my drinking like my men, two-fisted.”

• Whisky and champagne at the reading of the will
• Green Goblin bad guy [i spaced Willem Dafoe's name] takes sips from his flask on his motor cycle

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

C’mon people, you don’t go to a Wes Anderson film for the rock.

“Shoot, or I’ll stop.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness – Story
Wes Anderson – Screenplay

Directed by: Wes Anderson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan – Agatha
Léa Seydoux – Clotilde
Ralph Fiennes – M. Gustave
F. Murray Abraham – Mr. Moustafa
Willem Dafoe – Jopling

Bottom Line

My suggestion to you is to definitely see it, especially if you like Wes Anderson and to ignore everything i think about it.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Moonrise Kingdom

WTF!? review of The Host

The Rod’s super professional review of Fiennes in Skyfall

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing clever from here on out, unless you think NSFW T&A is clever. In which case, what’s coming is fucking brilliant.

Saoirse Ronan

Léa Seydoux

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Black Sabbath – War Pigs

[Press 'Play' for the original version. The end credits have a mix of this, but when i bought the OST track on Amazon there were no vocals attached,  even if they were there in the film version. Fuckers.]

i think i was the first person in the world to see this film and i’m not even kidding all that much. There was a sneak preview of it here last night (2014-03-04) at 9pm and here’s some proof of that. Don’t worry, on Friday y’all can enjoy my sloppy seconds.

My ticket stub

The blurry might be the 3D

The black thing is my leg at the movies with me

Ramblings: 300 (on a scale of 0-10)

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk at a Roman orgy? You chug so much wine your bones feel soft and you can’t feel your skin and you pound so much mead your eyes drip with it and the buzz goes past drunk to a high so high you feel like you’re drinking with the gods and everything you see is brighter and bigger and cooler so that you’re high in the arena looking down on killer battles being played out for your amusement and then you get drunker because you’re high in the clouds looking down on the epic earth with a view no human has seen before. Sure, there are moments when you need to visit the barfatorium and evacuate your guts out to make room for the next round and between gladiator fights everyone makes these boring ass speeches and even the gods babble on about their personal problems far too long but you don’t mind much because it’s their party and it’s a small price to pay for the ferocious madness you know they’re going to drop in your lap right after. Soon you’re back reveling in the sex and the flesh and the stench and the mess that’s so intense you overload your senses and drift off into a pleasure coma. Then, when the orgy is eventually over you lie back sated with a smile on your face and can’t wait for the next one. That visual gratification that aural satisfaction that sensory overdose is what 300: Rise of an Empire brings to the fucking orgy.

Good news.

i fucking loved the original 300. i went there not knowing what to expect and kind of figured i’d probably hate it and then it knocked me on my ass and spit in my face while i sat there mouth opened in awe of all the movie getting shoved down my throat.

That’s why 300: Rise of an Empire kinda worried me. It was going to be impossible to surprise me now that i knew what to expect. Also, i loved the shit out of the first one and so the second one was going to have to work its ass off to impress me. Well, it did and i was.

What we liked in the first one was fairly simple: lots of action, slow motion, and cool special effects. Noam Murro, the director they tapped to replace Zack Snyder who was no doubt suffering from performance anxiety after how hard he rocked our worlds in the first one, knew this and turned all three of those things up to 11. The action was harder, the motion was slower and the effects were specialer. There were a couple times i caught myself mouthing the words “Holy shit” to myself and scribbling it in my notes because it looked so fucking great.

Be careful, though. You know me (and if you don’t, it’s contagious), i’m like a little kid in a little boy’s body and that means i can super get into shit. i don’t sit around and analyze grown up crap and over-think these things to death. i feel movies with my balls, is what i’m saying, and what my balls felt about 300: RoaE was that it went past redonkulous and teetered on the edge of ridiculous. So there may be some jaded ass mother fuckers out there who are going to tell you this movie sucked because it’s exaggerated but you and i both know they’re wrong. The problem with life is that it’s too fucking soft and normal and sometimes we need something exaggerated to make us feel alive. In that respect, 300: RoaE puts out more often than any lay you ever had and does it better.

Were there downsides? Stop reading here if you don’t know want to know what they were, but if you really want to know, really, then imma tell you. One thing that got up my nose were the floaties. i think Noam wanted us to feel we were there in the film and so he had these particles floating in the air in almost every scene. There were dust motes and wheat chaff and embers and sparks and mist floating all over the place, and they were all the more noticeable as i saw it in 3D but instead of looking like they were floating around me, i kept looking at them rather than the action.

The other thing i had a problem with were the speeches. Seriously, i know there were some in the first one but were there really this many and were they really so repetitive? i mean, the weak link in 300 were the over dramatic one-liners the Spartans kept shouting out and there were less of those here but Jesus, every 10 minutes or so i had to hear a speech about how they were fighting for a free Greece and liberty and democracy. So fucking what? i don’t give a shit why you’re fighting our who you’re fighting for, i just want you to fight and make it look good, please.

While i’m on the topic of looking good, let’s move onto Eve Green–literally would be nice but we’ll have to settle for her acting job in this movie which was just awesome. i’ve seen her in other movies and thought she was very attractive even if her boobs are much too large for my taste but she’s a beautiful brunette with blue eyes and so on and so on. But here she had a chance with a serious part and she took it all the way there and then brought it back home and taught it the meaning of life the whole time. Brava.

Finally, i’m going to have to card one of the actresses here. For those of you new to the Bar None, we have a strict policy concerning minor actresses which is 1) there are only officially released photos and 2) these photos are not included in the section with hot photos of adult actresses. Nothing age inappropriate going on here, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

The lovely Jade Chynoweth (15 at the making of the film) portrayed 13-year-old Artemesia and she did a fantastic job. A very talented actress (and dancer), Jade certainly has a brilliant career waiting for her out there on the other side of adolescence.

A sample of my notes:

• When Xerxes stands to speak above the people… Holy shit what a shot

• Was there this much history lesson in the first one?
• Visually…Holy fucking shit wow
• Eva Green kills it–rocks her role
• The story catches up to and parallels 300.
• The headless dead body falling on glass shot didn’t work
• Gorgeous. Over the top
• A lot of slo-mo but i love it, it makes the pleasure last longer
• A visual masterpiece

Not even his own soul can be sure.

One of the silly lines

• Distant shots look like Diablo

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

You know how in 300 there was only romantic talk between the queen and the queen? Yeah, not here. There’s a real sex scene and it’s way more about pounding each other than loving each other because it’s between the enemies Artemisia (Eva Green) and Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton). At first you think Eva Green might me too famous to take off her top, then you remember she’s French. Let’s just say Eva Green topless in 3D is redundant.

Here’s a taste of that.

Eva Green Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are more shots down at the bottom in my drawers. Scroll all the way down until you hit the warning.

We also find the lovely Lena Headey who comes up short in many departments compared to Ms Green (oh come one, i’m talking about her talent!) but still looks good enough to fill out a collage like this.

Lena Heady Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are shots of her in the same drawers down there as well.

• [Right at the beginning a] hot woman toplessly dragged away by Persians in slo-mo with shaky boobs
• Eva Green’s breast plate has room [to protect her nipples if they get hard]
• EG’s [Eva Green] seduction scene of Themistocles is slow and out of place
• Themistocles succombs – he’s not that heroic
• Rough sex
• [Glimpse of] topless harem girls with wine

For the ladies and those that think like them

Drink: 0

Only two little references, but i didn’t really care that much ’cause i was way too much into the rest of the movie.

Who will share their wine with me?

Themistokles

• EG pours Themistokles wine on barge before sex

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

A rare honor indeed. i was tempted to hold back a half shot for all the speechifying they made me sit through but i’m not that kind of guy and the action they had here was definitely 5-star material. They had at least four major battle scenes by my count and each of these was incredibly long yet still varied and filmed in a way easily enough to see. So many fight scenes nowdays are filmed in a blur to hide the lack of talent of the actors and the directors, but not here. Everything was slowed down and zoomed in so you were so close you could laugh at the buckets of blood being spewed around by every wound.

The music (not including the “War Pigs” mix at the end, which was incredible) was pretty boring and not as hard as the first film but it wasn’t so bad as to be distracting from the cinematography which was better than Avatar if you ask me. So un-ultra-realistic that it looked better than reality.

• Stupidly unreal blood and battles in slo-mo. i love it. This is what i came for.
• Invention of suicide bomber
• Cool sea monsters
• Great final battle sword play. Well choreographed
• War Pigs (cool mix) with credits
• Majestic end credits

300 Rise of an Empire 18 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Zack Snyder & Kurt Johnstad

Directed by: Noam Murro

Starring

Jade Chynoweth – 13 Year Old Artemesia
Eva Green – Artemisia
Lena Headey – Queen Gorgo
Sullivan Stapleton – Themistokles

Bottom Line

You should really see 300: Rise of an Empire because it’s like sex with your hot cousin: if you don’t think too much, it’ll be the ride of your life.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Kick Ass

The Rod’s amazing eview of another Zack Snyder effort

WTF!? Sharknado

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

This is the warning i warned you about. From here on out, it’s nothing but sexy.

Eva Green

Eva Green in the Bar None

Lena Headey

Lena Headey in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.

Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.

i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.

Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.

“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.

Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name. 

Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!

Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?

Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.

Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A.  and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.

Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.

Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?

Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.

Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?

Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]

Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?

Christina:  Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?

Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?

Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.

Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.

Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–

Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?

Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.

Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.

Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???

Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.

Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!

Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.

Christina:  If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.

Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?

Christina: I just love them.

Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?

Christina: If I did make them at home I would use this recipe.

Al K Hall: Do you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?

Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.

Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.

Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.

Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?

Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.

Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.

Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”

Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?

Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.

Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?

Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.

Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?

Christina: Who told you that!

Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?

Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.

Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?

Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.

Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.

Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?

Christina Jeffs & Risa Sarachan doing research

Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!

Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?

Christina: We have a YouTube Channel, and risaandchristina.com. We’re working on a pilot. It’s pretty fun. And weird.

Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?

Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.

Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.

Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.

Al K Hall: Really?

Christina: I was supposed to be naked.

Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…

Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”

Al K Hall: Because naked.

Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.

Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?

Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.

Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?

Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.

Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.

Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.

Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?

Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.

Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?

Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.

Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.

Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.

Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?

Christina: Adorable.

Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?

Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.

Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?

Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?

Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!

Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.

Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.

Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.

Christina: WHAT?!

Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?

Christina: PRETTY PISSED.

Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?

Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.

Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–

Christina: –ha–

Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?

Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.

Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?

Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)--you've got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i'm thinking about adding that to the menu.]

Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Christina:  March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.

Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Christina:  I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!

Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.

Al K Hall: Any last words?

Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!

She’s hotter than bacon, y’all

And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a  philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine. 

Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?

i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

You know me, i’m not gonna lie to you or if i do, i’ll tell you first or just right after. Unfortunately, there are fuck tons of people out there who are going to lie to you and the only reason they’re doing it is to farm your ‘Likes’ on their Facebook pages.

On this one chick’s Facebook page, i saw a link to a piece called “7 Reasons Why You Will Never Do Anything Amazing With Your Life“. i go there and it’s pretty much average motivational crap stuck under a provocative headline to get your attention and to make you believe you’re not good enough.

Check this, i could do the same fucking thing and i’ll even time my ass to show you how easy this kind of article is.

Titillating title: 7 Reasons You Will Never Know True Love

1. You don’t love yourself
2. You look in the wrong places
3. You can’t let go of your past
4. You have too many criteria
5. You don’t know how to recognize love
6. You don’t laugh out loud enough
7. You are too focused on yourself

There you go. That took me 01:41. One minute and 41.4 seconds to write that outline.

Before you start saying, “But Al, Raymmar Tirado’s tips weren’t as simple and ordinary as yours,” imma call bullshit.

You know what he wrote in his article? ”You don’t ask enough questions,” “you don’t read enough books”… shit like that. You don’t know how much i read, Rainman, and reading a book a day still won’t guarantee me the Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, how many pictures do you see of Jesus reading books? He did some amazing shit and the only question he asked was, “Why me, Lord?” when the hung his ass on the cross.

Plus, who is Raymmar Tirado to tell us what to do? Like he’s an expert on doing amazing things. Have you ever heard of his amazing ass? i haven’t. The only amazing thing he’s done in his life is to write that piece of shit article telling you that suck.

Like i said up at the top, i won’t lie to you like Rayman did. i’m all about the coming clean, so here are the 7 Real Reason You Will Never Succeed

1. You are not rich enough

2. You were born in the wrong class

3. You did not go to the right university

4. You do not have the right connections

5. You have a moral compass

6. You have family and friends you care about

7. You do amazing things every day

Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Marvin Gaye - This I Know

[Press 'Play' for the song that is all Cap'n missed when he was frozen, according to The Falcon]

Once again, i had the pleasure of seeing this early because in Yeaman, we’re all so premature. As proof, i offer up this collage of screen shots i took on my phone for the sole purpose of proving i was actually deep in winter before you, messing up all that virgin snow with my ugly footprints. The background image is from the end credits…

Ramblings: A Hot Winter

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with the ugly sister? You already got drunk once with the hot sister and it was OK as getting drunk goes but you didn’t get any and you never will because she’s not accessible no matter how drunk she gets but you don’t even give a shit because when you see her you realize she wasn’t that hot to begin with. The ugly sister’s not the same bag of worms or kettle of beer because when you sit down across from her your expectations are dirt low but she starts to get her drink on and boozed up and let’s her hair down and she’s not nearly as ugly as you thought because you find yourself having way more fun than you thought you would because this chick is cool and maybe ‘cool’ means ‘beautiful’ in a way because the ugly sister knows how to have a blast and give you one too. After you leave the bar arm in arm using each other as walking sticks laughing each other’s asses off and she follows you home and you keep her happy because you see a lot more action with the ugly sister than you ever would the hot one and maybe you’ll feel a little guilty and ashamed the next day but for right now you’re getting off and right now counts a hell of a lot when you start counting. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is that ugly sister you might accidentally fall a little in love with.

i wasn’t a big fan of Captain America: The First Avenger because i don’t like my super heroes kitsch and that first one was super fucking olde tyme-y with olde tyme-y action and uniforms and romance so old it felt like i was watching Captain America on the Prairie. So i wasn’t really all that psyched to see this one because i was expecting another PG-13 hero fest rather than a raunchy ‘R’ hero i could count on to get me off.

Because of all that, no one was more surprised than i was by how well this one turned out. The story here was tight, moved along at a good pace and just seemed to take Captain America more seriously than the first film did, which meant we take him more seriously as well. i mean, what action they put in here was strong and original enough to be interesting, plus there was no real romance this time and that worked really well for me because Super Hero romance is like Wonder Woman’s period: i know it happens but i don’t want to see it.

The other things i don’t want to see is Chris Evans who is the worst actor of the Marvel group, but he’s getting a little better with practice or else they took a shitload of takes and waited for him to get it right like a monkey banging a typewriter getting Shakespeare right. Course they didn’t really make him stretch as an artist either, which works out best for everyone. Ironic that he’s the guy i hate the most and this is one of the Super films i liked the most.

See, what cracks me up when i think about it (which is pretty much never) is that films about the heavy hitter heroes usually suck to a pretty big degree, and i’m talking about you Superman, Iron Man, Spiderman and every Batman except The Dark Knight (which is still the ultimate super film by which all future super hero films will be judged), while the movies about the minor heroes (both Thor movies rocked) hold their own and often beat out the majors. Of course, The Avengers is in a class by itself as well, but Captain America: The Winter Soldier makes the wait for Avengers 2 a hell of a lot easier.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ shots

First off, there was a hell of a lot more Scarlett Johansson here than i expected to see. i guess because Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow isn’t going to get her own film, they had to let her share this one which worked out for me because i really fuckin don’t like Chris Evans as an actor so looking at Scarlett was a lot more fun. It would’ve been even more fun if they’d have let her look more like this.

Scarlett Johansson Boobs Bar None wallpaper – Click on the photo for a wallpaper

There are some huge, individual shots of her in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just scroll all the way down until you reach her bottom.

Then there was also a girl a lot of geeks were afraid of because she’s some kind of young teen actress and everyone was nerding out all comically as to how much she would ruin this movie. The good news is, Emily VanCamp doesn’t suck (at acting), her screen time is not enormous, and she looks like the 27-year-old she is in real life and not like this.

Emily VanCamp Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Lots of drawer shots of her down there as well. Just look for the Scarlett photos at the end of this article and keep heading south.

There was also Hayley Awtell who was the love disinterest in The First Avenger and who was only in one scene here (not including a flashback) where she plays this old fucking woman in her sickbed and Captain America comes over to throw her a pity fuck (probably, but they don’t show it–still, he’s a super nice guy and he did kind of break her heart by getting cryogenically frozen when she was in her prime so i like to think he did her a solid by giving her his). In order to do that, though, he had to close his eyes and imagine something that looked a lot like this.

Hayley Atwell Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There was also Colbie Smothers or whatever her name is. She was the (what the fuck is her job, anyway?) in The Avengers and she was the same thing here. (Seriously, does anyone know what her job is? If you do, could you tell me in the comments?) Not a lot of screen time, which kind of sucks because i’d prefer to look at her than Chris Evans.

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Here’s the blow by blow:

• Girl at veteran’s meeting [was hot--unfortunately, i couldn't find her in the IMDB credits to ask her for an interview; if anyone reading this knows who the hot girl speaking at the veteran's association meeting was, please let me know]
• Loads of Scarlett in this
• Down blouse shot of Natasha in the chopper

Drink:0 shots

Just one scene where Robert Redford toasts his enemies with champagne in his office before launching the aircraft carrier planes.

Rock & Roll: 4½ shots

Very solid performance with the action. There were more than just a couple of major action sequences and each of these was distinct and well directed, avoiding clichés and sloppy jumpy action.

Speaking of people i haven’t heard of who aren’t major enough to get their own films, we meet The Falcon in this film, who i never heard about because i’m too busy looking for photos of hot actresses. Anyway, i’m guessing he’ll be featured in the next Avengers movie and they were running out of places to stick him so Captain America got lucky because they stuck The Falcon in his. At least he makes sense in the film and his flying scenes were well done so he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb.

Also, the bad guy, The Winter Soldier, was a true badass and looked the part, especially when he had his mouth guard thing on. Even after it fell off he still looked more awesome than Bucky in The First Avenger.

The blow by blow:

• Ship infiltration at beginning not bad. Nicely choreographed fight with Frenchie
• Cap’n's escape scene [from infiltrators at SHIELD] good
• Stan Lee cameo as a museum security guard: Oh man, I’m so fired.
• Fighting Winter Soldier with black guy & Scarlett [super cool]
• Well done climax

BTW, the bonus scene at the end of the credits shows us to psycho twins, one who’s super hyper and another who can make blocks float with her mind, which i’m guessing will be key in the Avengers 2.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely – screenplay
Ed Brubaker – concept and story
Joe Simon & Jack Kirby – comic book

Directed by:

Anthony Russo & Joe Russo
Joss Whedon – director: post-credits scene

Starring

Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Emily VanCamp – Sharon Carter / Agent 13
Cobie Smulders – Maria Hill
Hayley Atwell – Peggy Carter
Sebastian Stan – Bucky Barnes / Winter Soldier
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Robert Redford – Alexander Pierce
Anthony Mackie – Sam Wilson / The Falcon
Stan Lee – Museum Staff

Bottom Line

If *i* liked a Chris Evans’ Captain America film, you are going to fucking love it.

Another Round

To get caught up before Winter Soldier: WTF!? Captain America: The First Avenger

Booze Revooze: The Avengers

The Hot Rod’s take on Iron Man

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words…The babes below will leave you speechless because what follows is pretty NSFW.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson in the Bar None

Scarlett Johansson in the Bar None

Emily VanCamp

Emily VanCamp AssAssin short shorts

Emily VanCamp in the Bar None

Hayley Atwell

Hayley Atwell in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.

“I got blue balls!”

i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.

“Imma punch your punk ass.”

Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.

“Hang on a sec.”

My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.

“Guess who I ran into, today…”

Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.

Driving a hard bargain

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.

These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.

And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.

i’d love to come between friends

Speaking of, check this out.

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.

Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.

Silken Butterflies

The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:

For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.

Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.

Harold looks like shit

Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.

The Hard-nosed approach

The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner - (screenplay)

Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt - (screen story)

Stan Lee and Steve Ditko - (Marvel comic book)

Directed by: Marc Webb

Starring

Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn

Bottom Line

Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).

As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:

Nice move: Credit where credit is due

Another Round

The Rod takes a look at the first in the series

Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit

WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly

Booze Revooze: Captain America kicks Spidey’s ass

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but some of those NSFW photos i talked about up there.

Emma Stone

Bare AssAssin Skirt

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Felicity Jones

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

(9 if you don’t include the one everyone already though of.) Palcohol, powered alcohol for the movers and martini shakers out there, is trying to get approval. Staying on top of things is what i do (until i get pushed off, anyway) and in keeping with that tradition, i’ve already thought of 10 alternate uses for powdered booze.

1. Snort it

Smells Like Teen Spirits

2. Spice your Food with it

Spice is the variety of life

3. Powder your Milk with it

I’ll have a double

4. Eat it like Candy

Sugar Buzz

5. Bottle it as Sand Art

It’s not tacky if it can get you drunk

6. Wear it as Body Glitter

What many users will have in common

7. Make a Zen Garden with it

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, booze is the difference.” - Brewda

8. Line your Glass with it

A Rim Shot

9. Use it as a Mixer

Double Hit: Mix instant whiskey with whiskey

10. Brush your Teeth with it

For Alcohol On Your Breath

Other Top 10 Lips

Cara Delevingne Kissing Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…

Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator

[Press 'Play' for "Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down..."]

Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?

You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play  “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:

1. Cara Delevingne (because she’s on every list i’ve ever invented ever)
2. Zooey Deschanel
3. Kate Upton
4. Reese Witherspoon (i bumped off Jesus to include her)

All drunk, of course.

Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.

That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.

Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:

i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.

Cara Delevingne goes both ways

Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.

Have you thanked your booze today?

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

WTF!?

From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.

Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.

WTF!? Review of Amber Heard in “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None with Rihanna

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Kate Upton

Kate Upton AssAssin Panties

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

From the juiced-box and the film: Elvis Presley – Devil in Disguise

[Press 'Play' for what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas]

Ramblings: Goodzilla

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with an old friend? He’s cool and brings something for you to drink and lets you pick the tunes and he’s been with you a long time so he’s as familiar as your favorite booth in the corner bar. Hanging out with him is nice because you know him so well you get comfortable right away and settle into your routine and even if he’s taken steroids and some speed with his drink, he’s still the same old guy you’ve always been able to count on. Godzilla is that old friend.

There’s a lot to like about this Godzilla dude. Sometimes there’s movies i really look forward to seeing, only when i get there i usually wind up all disappointed because these super heroes and monsters and robots don’t live up to their own hype. In the end they always have some fatal flaw that ruins it for me and i usually end up wishing they’d made the movie i wanted to see and not the one they showed me. The good news here is that Godzilla delivered what i wanted and, while he didn’t impress the shit out of me, at least he didn’t let me down.

It’s a solid movie with a good story and pretty fast paced, which means there’s more than just one action scene at the beginning and at the end. The actors do their acting thing even if none of the roles really are that much of a stretch for anyone. Bryan Cranston can act without even trying and here he doesn’t have to. Sally Hawkins is as cute as an English button but all she has to do is walk around and act surprised.

The big shock in the cast? Elizabeth Olsen (the non-twin) delivered the strongest performance of the film other than the monster. Sure, she cheated a little because “Elle Brody” is the only one in the movie that has any emotional range, but at least she didn’t drop the balls when exploring her character’s depth.

As for the special effects, they were often pretty good. However, the reason i stopped at 3½ shots here was because the action was sometimes a little muddied and the monsters’ fight scenes were often filmed in dark, smoky conditions and i suspect this was to “hide the wires” rather than for moody realism. Still, overall, the action was decent and regular, and the not so special effects didn’t hurt the film all that much.

Basically, if you think you’re going to like Godzilla, you’ll love it, and if you think it’s going to suck, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Elizabeth Olsen is the younger, taller, hotter sister of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (the mini bookends that were the darlings of American TV and kids’ movies). They didn’t age as gracefully as their untwin and they can’t act as well, either. Basically, Elisabeth got the looks and the talent, which is normal when you think about it because the twins had to share everything they got in two.

Elizabeth Olsen is bending over in the middle

Let me just say again, though, that the 1 shot here has nothing to do with her talent. Elizabeth really came through multiple times in Godzilla and proved she’s more than just a pretty face i hope to see a lot more of.

Unfortunately, whoever directed this film (Gareth Edwards) decided to concentrate more on the monster special effects than sex and more on his PG-13 rating than nudity. In your nutshell, this means this wallpaper is hotter than anything you’ll see of her in the film.

Elizabeth Olsen Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some more single shots of her hanging out deep in my drawers, so just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Also hot in this movie is Sally Hawkins who i’ve been crushing on forever, like since i saw her in this one English movie called Happy-Go-Lucky because she’s a good actress and cute and has a constellation of moles i’d like to spend all night drawing out and naming one time.

Sally Hawkins Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

i put some shots of her down in my drawers, too. Including one cool one of her moles.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only time we even see booze is when Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) has some wine with his wife (Elle Brody / Elizabeth Olsen) when he comes back from a tour of duty in the Navy.

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

The real reason i went 4 shots on the action was that there was a lot of it and it lasted throughout the whole movie. Much of what they put up on the screen, though, was a little confused and dark so i felt a little cheated like maybe whoever fucked up Pacific Rim could have come here and done just the action scenes because those were the best part of PR.

Remember, there are spoilers here!

• It takes 45 minutes to see a monster, but there is action before that
• There are a couple of surprising deaths, which is a real plus for this film. It also serves to keep us focused on the monsters
• There are 3 monsters here: A boy Muto (giant spider cricket), a girl Muto and Godzilla
• Godzilla kicks ass like a boss, and is the true hero of the film

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Max Borenstein (screenplay)
Dave Callaham (story)

Directed by: Gareth Edwards

Starring

Elizabeth Olsen – Elle Brody
Sally Hawkins – Vivienne Graham
Bryan Cranston – Joe Brody
Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Ford Brody

Another Round

A much better review of a much worse film

Booze Revooze of “301″

WTF!? Review of a movie with a similar poster

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is often NSFW!

Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth Olsen getting hit on by some old guy in the Bar None

Sally Hawkins

Click on this shot to zoom in on her moles

Sally Hawkins in the Bar None

Sally Hawkins in the Bar None: Cheers!

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

[Press 'Play' for a taste of 1973]

Ramblings: The X Factor

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk at an office party on a Thursday night? All of the gang is there, it’s the same people you don’t get drunk with all day at work and they’re here again but they look a little unusual and act a little cooler and the office is still the normal office but it looks kind of weird because it’s late at night and the lighting’s different than during the day. You have a good time and you let your hair down, and you unbutton an extra button on your shirt while you flirt with danger and the office hottie, but at the same time you never forget where you are so you don’t let yourself go crazy and you’re home by 2am and ready for work the next day. X-Men: Days of Future Past was as fun and as safe as that office party.

i originally wasn’t planning on going with 4 shots for this film but X-Men: Days of Future Past was ½ shot better than Godzilla and i gave that 3½ shots so there you go, a 4-shot movie.

Why hesitate to go the full 4? X-M:DoFP accomplished what it set out to do very well, but it didn’t set out to do all that much. It’s a solid movie with a story that’s easy enough to follow, even for me, and this despite jumping around in time all over the place. The acting was nice and not just Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong here in the Bar None, but even people i’m not big fans of weren’t too annoying. (i have nothing against Hugh Jackman because you can make “Hugh Jass” or “Hugh Jackass” jokes about his name, but i hate Wolverine with a passion partly because his last movie sucked Hugh Jass and mostly because his hair cut is what they should give pedophiles so they stand out from the crowd and make it easier for us to spot and hate on.)

Floppy hippie peace sign hat’s off to Bryan Singer who directed all this because most of the movie takes place in 1973 and i know from personal experience (mescal flashbacks) that this is what 1973 exactly looked like. Even the Pepsi product placement signs were vintage. The movie–like Kaley Cuoco’s boobs at 18–had an authentic look and feel.

Also, the special effects were very good. i saw this bad boy in (passive) 3D and there was enough eye candy to keep me interested and i’m not talking about trying to see if Mystique wears panties when she’s blue. It looked good and it moved at a good pace with only one really noticeable slow spot which they got out of the way at the beginning and was when they had to tell us the story of all the X-Men movies.

Why hesitate then? Because the film was missing the spark that set movies like The Avengers above the flood of super hero cinema. There was nothing special and when i see a film, i want special. i want to get excited about a movie, to get goosebumps, to guy cry a little. i want to feel kind of drunk when i watch a movie, especially because i’m an alcoholic who stopped drinking and can’t get drunk the normal way any more.

Finally, and being careful not to give away any spoilers, i felt a sense of “So what?” when the movie ended. Like it was a good movie but didn’t contribute anything to the X-Men anthology. Sure, it was better than all 3 of the first X-Men combined (i’m a Hugh Jater of those movies), but not as important as First Class.

At the end, you’ll give it a warm round of applause, but you won’t jump to your feet and yell “encore”.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Many, many beautiful women here (OK, three beautiful women, but in my life, that constitutes “many”). Then there’s knowing that Jennifer Lawrence is walking around naked except for a little polyurethane net and some body paint and you have all the fixings for a hot ticket. Apart from that, no sex or nudity, though there is a reference made that Mystique / Raven and Erik / Magneto had something X rated going on for a while.

Here’s what the majestic Jennifer Lawrence looks like when she’s not blue.

Young Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the warning.

Also thrown in the mix is Ellen Page, my newest favorite lesbian. Here in the Bar None we welcome lesbians with open arms and not just because they’re hot. We have a strict no-hating policy here, including sexual preference, race, religion, politics and drink choice. Because none of those things stands in the way of hotness. Witness:

Ellen Page in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single body shots of her down below as well.

Rounding things up, there was this super hot Chinese woman named Fan Bingbing who covered up all her goods because she played a mutant called Blink, like “Blink and you’ll miss her”. Fortunately, i’ve got this capture of her here for y’all.

Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i threw some shots of her in my drawers as well. Dig down deep and enjoy.

On one final note, for those of you who prefer Y-chromosomes to X-women, Hugh Jackson shows his naked ass in this movie. i’m not gay, but i’d like to have that ass…as mine.

Drink: ½ Shot

Not a lot of booze here and what they had wasn’t key to the plot, so if they’re not going to make the effort, neither am i.

• Young Charles Xavier drinks vodka from a scotch glass
• Russian and Vietnamese soldiers drink in a Paris disco
• Vietnamese officer orders a bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar
• Charles drinks whiskey on a private jet to Paris

Slurred Speeches

I haven’t had a real sip in 10 years.

Erik drinking whiskey on the plane to Paris after his escape from prison

Rock & Roll: 4 shots

Very good special effects, (you won’t believe what happens to the baseball park) and regular action scenes with a minimum of backtalk left me satisfied in this domain. While there was no real rock and roll to the movie, they did have “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” twice and the escape scene with Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” was killer. So yeah, imma go 4 shots on this.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn – story
Simon Kinberg – screenplay

Directed by: Bryan Singer

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Raven / Mystique
Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde
Fan Bingbing – BlinkHugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine
James McAvoy – Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender – Erik Lehnsherr
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Bolivar Trask
Evan Peters – Peter / Quicksilver

Bottom Line

A movie you don’t need to be a fanboy to like

Another Round

WTF!? hilarious review of a much worse film

Fernby Films’ awesome review of Part 1

Booze Revooze of “Capatain America: Winter Soldier”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is also pretty NSFW.

Jennifer Lawrence

My exclusive interview with Jennifer Lawrence in the Bar None

Jennifer Lawrence in the Bar None

Ellen Page

Fan Bingbing

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray - Once Upon a Dream

[Press 'Play' for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral - neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

Every frat party ever

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg

Starring

Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie loves Booze

Angelina Jolie in bed in the Bar None

Juno Temple

Juno Temple in the Bar None

Juno Temple after the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Willy Moon - Railroad Track

[Press 'Play' for a cool ass song played in the background during a barracks' scene, i think]

Ramblings: Groundhog War

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a video game? You want to be a player so you get turned on and then you play around but when you start buzzing you lose control and then you die but it’s a video game so you get a free guy and go for another round. After you boot, you reboot and when being level gets hard you take another shot until you get it right. At the end, you have a kick ass time, even if things get a little repetitive before you meet the boss. End of Tomorrow was a lot like playing watching your best friend play that cool fucking video game.

People are going to compare End of Tomorrow to the classic comedy Groundhog Day, but people are wrong a lot of the time and this is one of them. i wouldn’t be surprised if Hiroshi Sakurazaka (the guy who wrote the book this is based on, All You Need Is Kill) didn’t even see that movie. What i do know is that fucker played a lot of video games. i say that because all gamers know how when you die you stomp your foot, jerk your head and make a quick spit sound with your teeth before you go back and try the level again, without making the same mistake.

Basically, End of Tomorrow is this video game and Tom Cruise is the player and the guy in the game at the same time. Whenever he dies, he goes back to the beginning of the level and tries again until he reaches the boss at the end of the film. The idea is pretty simple and not all that original, if you ask me (and even if you don’t), but then there’s not a whole lot of originality in movies now days anyway. Look at the last six blockbusters i reviewed: Maleficent, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Godzilla, The Amazing Spider-man 2, Captain America Winter Soldier, and 300: Rise of an Empire. Not one original bone in their bodies of work.

Given that this is as original as a Chanel bag you buy outside a subway, what about the rest? Well, the good news is the rest rocks. Tom Cruise, who i like as an actor and don’t know as a guy so i can’t judge, does a solid job as the hero who has to keep reliving the same war over and over again. Emily Blunt buffed up for the film and what’s not to like about her? She’s a decent actress and in real life bumps uglies with John Krazinski (“Jim” in The Office) who’s so goofy he has to be cool.

Let’s face it, though, nobody gives a shit about the actors. The main attraction here are the special effects and the action and End of Tomorrow delivers both. The film’s premise of remaking D-Day alien style requires bitching monsters and lots of fighting them, so we get to see a lot of action there. Fortunately, for the most part, the action is different enough each re-set that we don’t get too bored. For the most part.

What we end up with is an entertaining movie that doesn’t slow down, with tons of action and special effects done well enough you don’t notice them. So, yeah, you should give End of Tomorrow some play time.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ shot

Cage (Tom Cruise) and Rita (Emily Blunt) kiss at the for absolutely no reason and i’m glad they do because it made the movie suckier and easier to review. Seriously, the movie was supposed to end 5 minutes before they unplugged it. That they kept it going long enough to force a happy ending down my throat made me gag a little, and not in a good way.

Other than that, there was the beautiful Emily Blunt and they let her be sexy in that one scene where she’s doing a floating pushup and then arches her back as she lowers herself down and that’ll make a good GIF when Edge of Tomorrow comes out on video. For now, we’ll have to make do with this because, other than this shot, Emily goes through the movie in more armor than a medieval knight wearing Mormon underwear.

Don’t worry, there are gobs more shots of her in my drawers, way at the bottom of this post.

Coming in as this hardcore, transvestite, butch, Michelle Rodriguez lookalike with metal teeth and funky hair is the beautiful, if unrecognizable, Charlotte Riley.

Charlotte Riley Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are a couple more shots of her in my drawers as well. Just keep scrolling down ’til you get lucky.

Drink: 0

No alcohol references at all. Think “AA meeting in a Muslim desert on Sunday”.

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Like a fatty orgy, Edge of Tomorrow had tons of action. What’s even more surprising is that it was, in large part (see me still working that heavy sex metaphor?), original for the most part. Sure, the movements were somewhat repetitive but they were able to throw in a little surprise twist with each insertion that made the experience pretty damn pleasurable.

As for the rock and roll, yeah, well, like those overweight bastiches in their sweaty pile, there was much more roll than rock.

Proof.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

• Hiroshi Sakurazaka - Novel “All You Need Is Kill”
• Christopher McQuarrie, Jez Butterworth & John-Henry Butterworth – Screenplay

Directed by: Doug Liman

Starring

• Emily Blunt – Rita
• Charlotte Riley – Nance
• Tom Cruise – Cage

Bottom Line

Worth seeing, and then seeing again.

Another Round

WTF!? review of a way worse Battle Los Angeles

The Hot Rod’s review of Snow Piercer

Booze Revooze of RoboCop (2014)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens below this is pretty much NSFW, so change to your phone and take a bathroom break.

Emily Blunt

Emily Blunt pressing boobs with Amy Adams in the Bar None

Charlotte Riley

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Yeah, i got to see this on October 1, a full 9 days before y’all in the States. And because i know you don’t believe me – and who can blame you – here’s the obligatory ticket shot.

Ramblings: Bad Blood

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in Eastern Europe? You think it’s going to be all exotic and that the cocktails will all be different and everyone you meet will be fascinating and that you’ll come away from the trip with stories that will have people buying you drinks wherever you go. Except beer is beer even in foreign places and the people there drink just like your asshole friends back home and the bars smell the same only dirtier and the bartenders rip you off with short drinks that are watered down before the waitresses overcharge you so the only stories you come away with are the same ones you already have, only less interesting. That’s what Dracula Untold is like.

Dracula Untold has been told so many times before i struggled to stay awake.

It’s been told many times over and better to boot. Like the directing was better in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the script was better in The Hunger, and the action was better in From Dusk Till Dawn. There was a lot of money dropped on Dracula Untold, and like a tart who gets tarted up for a night out, the film looked the part. Unfortunately, just like that same tart at the end of the evening, Dracula doesn’t deliver anything more than a token kiss with only a little tongue.

The dialog sucked hard like a vampire, too. Every fucking line was super melodramatic and then the actors read them like they were their final words and it was so bad that you wished they were.

Not that i’m the kind of asshole who’s just going to rag on a film without hitting the good points. For example, the look of the film was great. The production costs must’ve been high and it was all on the screen with the rich images and epic landscapes that made me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. Plus, Dracula Untold had some good actors like Dominic Cooper, who did a better job here with a Turkish accent than he did in Need for Speed with his normal accent.

Which reminds me, if you’re Turkish and reading this – wow, you must be really fucking lost. Also you probably don’t want to see Dracula Untold because they trash ancient Turkey more than i’m trashing this film.

You know who might like this movie? Kids. If you’re a kid and reading this then you’re even more lost than those Turkish dudes, but Dracula Untold is a good vampire movie for those of you whose only experience with vampires was Twilight. For the rest of us, though, this’ll leave you thirsty for something harder.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

A disappointment but i can’t say i was surprised. Or i could say it, but everyone would know i was lying because if you look at the cast on the IMDb page, 14 of the first 15 actors listed are men. In other words, be ready to get a long look at the unfairer sex for a long fucking time.

That one woman mentioned is the lovely Sarah Gadon, who showed as much skin as a Muslim woman in a body veil under a pile of quilts in Antarctica. This kind of bummed me out because Sarah’s not afraid to go full frontal, as she so bravely showed in Enemy [follow the link and get the exact times she bared more than her soul - thanks to Saint Pauly]. i blame it on American prudery and this is how i choose to fight that onslaught:

Sarah Gadon Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s more single shots of her at the bottom of this post, in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

One beautiful young lady flitted across the screen so fleetingly that her absence stirred a melancholy inside me. Whatever Dracula Untold‘s, at least Dilan Gwyn as the Governess made me feel something deeply.

Dilan Gwyn Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some single shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post as well.

Drink: 0 Shots

Vampires suck and then they swallow, like much of this film, but they don’t drink booze. There was only one scene where alcohol flowed in copious quantities and that was an Easter feast. A Feaster, i guess you could say and if you don’t, i will.

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

The action was definitely the best part of the movie, and to be fair, the film does move along quickly. As quick as a bat, if i may be so bold – and i may. Like my sex life, however, there was a lot of action but nothing new or exciting. They were just going through the motions and when it was over you felt satisfied but not in the mood for anything more.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless

Directed by: Gary Shore

Starring

Sarah Gadon – Mirena
Dilan Gwyn – Governess
Luke Evans – Vlad
Dominic Cooper – Mehmed

Bottom Line

i’d wait and download this later. It isn’t worth the 10 bones to see it in the theater and you can watch the Francis Ford Coppola version in the meantime. You’ll thank me later.

This gift brought to us by Saint Pauly

Another Round

WTF!? takes a hilarious look at this vampire offering

Booze Revooze of a way cooler vampire movie

Fernby Films awesome review of Blade

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The words are over, the rest is for y’all who only like looking at the pretty pictures.

Sarah Gadon

Dilan Gwyn

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart

[Press 'Play' for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray - If I Had A Heart]

To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.

Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.

The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.

Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.

Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.

The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.

There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.

Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½

You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.

Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…

• “Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
• Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
• Young Ig looks through a Playboy
• Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
• [Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
• Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
• [Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser

There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of Maleficent, Kaboom and Mr Nobody.

There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.

Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.

Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…

Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.

Silken Butterflies

One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.

Drink: 3 Shots

There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.

Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:

Anyone recognize that bottle?

• Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
• Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
• Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
• Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
• [Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
• Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.

Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.

Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.

Anyway whatever, here’s a lot of the soundtrack:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joe Hill (novel)
Keith Bunin (screenplay)

Directed by: Alexandre Aja

Starring

Juno Temple – Merrin Williams
Heather Graham – Veronica
Kelli Garner – Glenna Shepherd
Kendra Anderson – Nurse Delilah
Daniel Radcliffe – Ig Perrish

Bottom Line

The film is Gwyneth Paltrow: it looks good, even if it gets a little lost and pretentious.

A gift from Saint Pauly

Another one

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another horny character

WTF!? of the film “Horns” wanted to be

Fernby Films reviews another monster movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is finished, let the revue begin. From here on out, let’s call it NSFW.

Heather Graham

Kelli Garner

Kelli Garner in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Drunk Bachelorette party in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Keep on reading to learn how i stumbled over her dirty little secret while doing a bit of research for a short brief.

Here’s a ditty from the juiced-box, dedicated to Kim Kardashian and her little ones. Kanye West – Drunk and Hot Girls

Kim Kardashian had a midget’s baby

i’m pretty sure.

So, i started doing research on this Spanish chica who decided to have a bambino nine months after she got married, only to find out the kid was dwarf (which i don’t know how you can tell because all babies midgets, right?). After a lot of poking and prodding, she confessed the truth to her husband: she screwed a midget at her Bachelorette Fiesta. So basically, before she had her little one, she had a little one.

Kim Kardashian having a little shot?

During the minutes of extensive research i did in Google image search, i came across (in the “discovered” way, not “the midget at a Bachelorette party” way) some photos of Kim Kardashian. With a midget. At her Bachelorette party.

Love at first sight – Kim knew he had a little something

Their eyes meet for the first – and only – time

They seal the deal

i’m thinking the whole ‘Spanish’ midget baby is just a ruse to distract us from the truth: Kim Kardashian, and not some Spanish puta, is the one who actually got impregnated by a little person at her bachelorette party.

Consider these facts:

• Kim just had a baby…like the Spanish woman
• She has black hair like Spanish women
• Spain has a King and her husband, Kanye West, could refer to himself as the King of Rap
• Her ass is as big as Spain
• She called her baby ‘North West’ and Spain is the opposite direction of North West from the United States because she’s trying to throw other journalists off the scent…but Kim Kardashian’s scent is too strong for me to ignore
• Look at these pictures of the tyke – does he not look like a Spanish midget?

Kanye learns of Kim’s tiny indiscretion – Kim looks ashamed – North looks South of the Border with his poncho

And look, i unearthed this snippet from the bachelorette party videos…

What brought on Kim’s sudden attraction to little people? My answer is that it’s not so sudden. She gave signals that she wanted little folk to be into her as early as 2009 when she wore this obvious sign.

1 down – 6 to go

The only question remaining is, could you, like Kanye, forgive your new bride for fucking a stripper at her Bachelorette party?

Seriously, please leave a comment and let me know what you would do if your new bride admitted to getting drunk and having sex with a midget at her Bachelorette party.

Bar None Dregs

If you think this shit is funny, you should check out Saint Pauly, my protogay over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Hilarious WTF!? review of Transformers: Age of Extinction

WTF!? explains The Zero Theorem

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Harry Styles’ Exes in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

There’s only one direction to go from here and that’s further down. Read on to see exactly what Harry styles. (Hint: it’s puke.)

Here’s a ditty NOT from my juiced-box, dedicated to Harry and his Exes: One Direction – Up All Night

[Click on the link to find out why Harry was Up All Night. Hint: He was puking.]

Hairy Styles Cannot Hold His Liquor

The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.

There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.

The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.

At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.

Harry Styles after the Bar None

My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…

The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!

“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”

“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”

“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”

“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”

“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”

“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”

Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.

And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.

But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift in the Bar None

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner in the Bar None

Kimberly Stewart

Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None

Caggie Dunlop

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Emily Atack

Emily Atack in the Bar None

Emily Ostilly

Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None

Felicity Skinner

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None

Kara Rose Marshall

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None

Caroline Flack

Caroline Flack in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.

His latest review is…

WTF!? review of Behaving Badly

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Bar None Drawers

Prints to share with your friends and Facebook page

What lies beyond is even more NSFW than the shit you just saw.

Cara Delevingne

Taylor Swift

Kendall Jenner

Kimberly Stewart

Emily Atack

Caggie Dunlop

Emma Ostilly

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Karlie Kloss Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Most definitely not from the juiced-box, here’s a song i’m dedicating to Karlie Kloss from Taylor Swift…who’s performing at a Victoria’s Secret show.

Taylor Swift – I Knew You Were Trouble

Celebrity Dregs

October 30: Taylor Swift and the NBA (No Boys Allowed)

LUSH. If you don’t know what this stands for, you’ll fall for anything. LUSH is the Bar None acronym for Lesbian Until Sober Honey and i’m not saying Taylor Swift is a LUSH, i’m saying i hope she is or at least that she’ll take pictures of her trying to be.

Kind of like Cara Delevingne did with Michele Rodriguez. In fact, there are more similarities than you might realize.

Like Cara and a Taylor were both photographed drinking alcohol. In the company of another woman. At a basketball game. The only difference is that Taylor was drinking with a beautiful woman, and Cara was with Michelle Rodriguez. Still, since Cara and Michelle broke up, maybe Taylor can score with Cara on the rebound. There’s a match-up that would start me dribbling.

Taylor’s date was Karlie “Lip” Kloss, a hot lingerie model and my investigative journalism skills once again paid off once again because i figured out how they hooked up. And Cara Delevignge is the missing link. Check it out.

[Proof of my famous investigative journalism skillz: Justin Bieber kills a man, Kim Kardashian has a dwarf baby]

Cara is a model alcoholic and she had a few drinks with Lip Kloss which got Kloss all wet and shiny. But then Cara found Michelle, which left Karlie high and not dry at all but still wet and shiny. So Karlie went out and found herself her own, next-better thing: Tay-Tay. Ta-da!

There’s more shots of Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just keep scrolling down ’til you start getting warmer.

October 31 2014: Chelsea Out-of-Handler

You know me (and if you don’t, i wouldn’t be the first), i don’t give a shit about politics and shit like that. i’m just happy sitting here making you happy, but something other than me came across my desk the other day and i feel compelled to share it with you.

Chelsea Handler in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

American comic Chelsea Handler posted a picture of herself naked on top of a horse because Putin did. Except Chelsea didn’t do it to prove her boobs were as big as the Great Outhouse, but to protest the fact he can show his nipples and she can’t.

Chelsea Handler v Putin: Who’d you rather?

Now i like causes as much as the next guy, if the next guy is passed out in a pool of his own vomit at a I-don’t-care-about-causes bar. But if there’s one cause i’m willing to stand up for, it’s Free the Nipple. Now, don’t be confused like me and think the cause is to give free nipples to every one, because that would so rock hard, but it’s almost as good because they want chicks, sorry, girls to be able to show their nipples all over the place like men, except so much fucking hotter.

To prove i’m way cooler than Instagram, who censored her photo, i’m going to post the full original shot because i’m all about the political aspect of this and defending rights and equality and feminism and shit. Here at the Bar None, we’re Instagraphic:

BTW, to keep the protest going, here’s another shot Chelsea posted on Instagram. Hell, i’m just happy to be here and help out. Fight the Power.

Bar None Dregs

If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But also pretty funny is this guy over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Click on the logo for the laughs

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

What follows is just sexy shots of the girls. Read on at your own risk because it’s even not safe for worker than the shit you just read.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Karlie Kloss

Karlie Kloss in the Bar None

Taylor Swift

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me

[Press 'Play' for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]

Ramblings: Cheap tricks

Final Proof: 3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.

Pinocchio as a cross dresser

Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.

i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.

“God’s penis is actually rather small”

i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.

“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”

If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.

To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.

Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:

• Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
• Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
• Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
• Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending

Silken Butterflies

Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).

Drink: 2 Shots

Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.

• Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
• Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
• Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
• Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
• Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
• “Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
• “We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
• Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
• Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
• Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.

For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Woody Allen

Directed by: Woody Allen

Starring

Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan

Bottom Line

If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another Allen film

WTF!? review of an Emma Stone film

Fernby Film review of another kind of comedy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

So the words are finished and so is all the PG-13. What follows are Emma Stone pics that are mildly NSFW

Emma Stone

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.